Saturday, September 27, 2014

She Believed

She bought into a belief that if she did the right thing, she would be happy, she would get what she needed, wanted, desired. When she didn't she blamed him and all his obvious shortcomings. She could not see her own shortcomings, because she was blinded by this belief. She was kind, loving, self giving, humble.
And so, she believed herself good. Underneath, was a different story. There was a little girl who felt unsafe, unworthy, ugly, unlovable, even bad.

He left her one day, and then she saw all the arrogance of her belief, and it tore her to pieces. Grief came that shook her mind and body and life. She discovered the immensity of her love and gratitude for him. She discovered that despite all the torment, he still cared for her. In fact, he had never stopped caring. She saw his love and generosity toward their whole family, the playful quirkiness of his being, his joy and dedication to fatherhood. She saw her longing for him. She felt Sadness that she had pushed him away.

She felt it all without clinging, without hope, without even telling him. Then she let it all go, gave it to the heavens, knowing now, that she is seen, loved and cared for, that every thought, wish, need, is registered and responded to. Maybe there are hosts of angels arranging it all, but now, she knows for sure, she is not alone.

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