Monday, October 19, 2009

I Am

I am a portal to the pool of life

The infinite pool

Of possibility

I do not know what will come

I just know that I am source

I have been told what I want

I have been taught what I deserve

And I got it

Now I want to find me

To allow my life force to flow freely

To honour it

To rejoice in it

To swim and embrace the waters of my birth

I am life

I am the mountain peaks

The call of the lion

The cry of the baby

The whispering forest

I am power bursting through

Breaking the constructs of my mind

Now my need for you is gone

Now my need for you is gone

And my need to give is here

I will wait a little more

Before I reach out again

You were inside my flesh

Your touches were on my body

Whenever I was alone

You possessed my mind

And left me yearning once more.

Love was there

Whatever else

I’m not sure

Is it here again?

Can we stretch beyond

And find a deeper friendship

To enrich each other’s lives?

Now my need for you is gone

I wish to touch your heart once more.

I am Woman

See me search

See me yearn

For something lost

Something I didn’t get

Or something I gave away too easily

Watch me lie to myself

Self contented in my deceit

Look at yourself

You lie too

Because of your guilt.

I am too sweet to hear the truth

Too weak, you think

See me cry for what you cannot give

Watch me walk away

I leave you longing for what you seek

For what you can never have

My mystery.

Friday, June 26, 2009

A New Arrival

The anaesthesiologist wore a tartan hat.

“Here we go, Mary. Are yee ready? Without waiting for a reply, he began to sing, “Step ye gaily on we go, heel for heel and toe for toe, arm in arm and ore we go, off for Rita’s wedding.” Mary was gone...

“Are ye alright, Mary?”

Mary felt a gentle touch on her arm. She smelt a faint perfume. She opened her eyes and saw her mother’s concerned face. Bernadette Burns was dressed in her Sunday clothes with a matching hat. Her dark brown hair was curling out under it. She had tiny pearls in her ears. At that moment Mary thought her mother was a beautiful sight.

“It’s all over now, love.”

“Oh Mam, I have a lot of pain”

“Hold on, love. I’ll call the nurse”

More morphine was administered. Mary was able to sit up in the bed and smile.

Her back began to ache the year her son, Michael arrived. He was three months old. The official adoption papers came through a year later. Mary had already given birth to three girls. Her eldest, Aishling had just turned four. She didn’t find out for four more years that her womb was tilted into her spine at which point, the pain was unbearable. Mary thought her child bearing years were over. Michael was going to school in just a few months. She wouldn’t allow herself to contemplate the long days she would spend alone.

Mary’s family doctor came to visit the next day. “The operation was a great success but no more pregnancies for the time being”

“Do you mean I might be able to have more children?”

“Yes, but everything needs to heal first.”

“Okay.” Mary looked away. Talking about reproduction with this handsome man made Mary blush.

“Let me know if you need anything.” He patted her arm and left.

Although she was in a lot of pain, she got up and walked around the maternity ward, where she spent the next two weeks recovering. The Coombe was a bright new building, where there were only ten beds per ward. Mary went from bed to bed chatting, holding babies and helping anyone who would allow her.

Nearing the end of her stay at the hospital, Mary strolled down the corridor to broaden her horizons. It was a beautiful spring day. She wanted to see the lilacs in bloom. She missed being outside.

Margaret, a young mother who Mary had met the previous day, was leaning against the window. Her long black hair was hanging down in front of her dark brown eyes. As Mary approached, she noticed that Margaret was shaking.

Mary touched her shoulder. “What’s wrong, Margaret?”

“Oh, you’re very nice but I don’t want to burden you.” She was controlling her pain but her face was swollen and red from crying.

“A problem shared is a problem halved!” Mary tried.

“There’s no point in talking about it. There’s nothing you can do.”

“You never know.”

Only yesterday, Margaret was singing the song “Michelle, ma belle” to her newborn girl.

“You’re worrying me more by not telling me what’s wrong.” Mary put her arm around Margaret. She thought about her own sister, who had a baby when she was nineteen too.

“Just tell me, is the baby alright?”

“Yes, she’s perfect.” The tears rolled over Margaret’s high cheekbones, into her hollow cheeks, rushed down her neck and disappeared into her nylon nightdress.

“Oh thank God for that” Mary replied. “So, what is it? Have ye no family to visit ye?”

“No, they’re in Galway. They don’t even know about Michelle.”

Mary’s mouth and eyes opened wide without her approval.

“What about the Daddy?”

“He left me.” Margaret wiped her nose in her sleeve. “He went off to England. Told me he didn’t mind being with me but he wasn’t ready to be a father. And even though he was so mean, I miss him so much.”

“How old was he?”


“And you’re nineteen?”

“I am.”

“It’s not fair, is it?”

Mary hugged her and Margaret finally let down her guard.

“Mary, I don’t know what to do. I was training to be a nurse. I lost my job because I was pregnant. Now I have no way to pay the rent without working and no one to mind the baby if I do. All I can think of is to go home but I know my mammy won’t want me after shaming the family like this, having a baby out of wedlock.” She gasped for air.

“I told my brother about it and he told me to fuck off and not to come home. I’m going to have to give her up. But I love her so much, I don’t want to.”

“Margaret, I’ll mind her for ye when ye go to work. I’ll be your family.”

“Mary, you have so many kids of your own.”

“Sure they’re all at school in September.” She wiped back a stray hair from Margaret’s face. “You think about it.”

Mary watched out for Margaret during the rest of her stay in the hospital. When leaving, she made sure that Margaret had her phone number and address. Margaret promised to visit and let her know what she’d decided to do.

Mary was still suffering somewhat when she was sent home. Aiden, her husband, bought her a new washing machine to cheer her up and ease her burden. It was a front loader. The husband and wife had spent hours watching the clothes go around the day it arrived. They both agreed that it was better than television.

She was filling it with a load of light colors when the door bell rang.

Mary could see an unfamiliar silhouette behind the stained glass of her front door. When she opened it, Margaret’s sad face greeted her. Margaret attempted a faint smile.

“Margaret, love, come in.” She threw her arms around her new friend.

“Where’s Michelle?”

“I couldn’t take care of her.”

“What did you do with her?”

The tears were already making their way down into her white blouse. She was pale and her eyes were sunken.

“I left her in the orphanage but I couldn’t sign the papers.”

“What does that mean?”

“Well, I just couldn’t sign her over.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I just left her there but no one can adopt her because I couldn’t sign away my right to know where she was.” Margaret could hardly breathe. “I just can’t live if I don’t know where she is and how she’s doing.” They say that I have to sign it or she can’t be adopted.”

“Calm down, love. Let’s have a cup-a-tea.”

Mary filled the kettle while Margaret went to the bathroom to try to compose herself. Mary took out two cups and saucers. She poured milk in the jug, took out the sugar bowl and two spoons. She searched the cupboards for anything resembling a biscuit but came up empty. She took the soft white bread from the wooden bread bin, put some butter in the butter cooler and got the jam from the fridge.

When Margaret returned, Mary poured the tea.

“Margaret,” she began. “I have an idea.”

“I’m going to ask the neighbour to keep an eye Michael. We’ll go down to that orphanage, get this sorted out. And sure, we’ll be back before the girls get out of school.”

Margaret’s mouth hung open.

“Get that tea and bread into ye, ye need your strength. And then, let’s get out of here.”

Mary left the room and returned with her best dress suit on. Her long dark hair was neatly piled on top of her head. Her face was powdered and her lips red. She smelt of L’Air du temps.

She headed for Margaret armed with a hair brush, her makeup kit and a red jacket that was too big for her but it fitted Margaret perfectly.

That evening Aiden returned from a business trip.

The sound of his key in the door sent his offspring darting towards him, like a bullet from a gun.

“Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home!” Mary heard the door open.

“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.” They would only stop when he had kissed each one.

“Now mammy’s turn.” “Give mammy a kiss!”

Mary was in the kitchen, mashing potatoes. He pecked her cheek.


“Grand, yourself?”

“Not a bother.”

“Do you know what’s in the lodger’s room?”


“A new baby. Don’t say anything, the kids don’t know.”


“Margaret’s in there too. They’re sleepin’.”

“Who on earth is Margaret?”

“Jasus, Aiden, di ye not listen to a word I say? Margaret is the girl I met in hospital. Her family don’t want anything to do with her as long as she has her baby.”

“So, is she going to stay with us?”

“No, Aiden, ye gobshite. She has to go back to her family and get herself together. She’s only nineteen and she has no husband.”

Aiden scratched the top of his balding head.

“I don’t get it.”

“We’re going to keep the baby.”


“You heard me.”

“Look, we just adopted Michael.”

“So what?”

“You’re always complaining that you need me to stay home and help you, so you must have enough kids.”

“I’ll manage.” She put the pot of potatoes on the table. “Aishling! Rachael! Cindy! Michael! Come for your dinner!”

When the children went to bed, Margaret, Aiden and Mary sat at the table. Mary was feeding Michelle a bottle of warm milk.

“Margaret, we have to say to you what we said to Michael’s parents,” Aiden said.

Margaret looked concerned.

“You have to stay away from us so as not to confuse the child. We will be the parents. That has to be very clear to her.”

Margaret nodded.

“Can I keep in touch with Mary so that I can just know how Michelle is doing?”

“I think that would be okay.”

Mary was smiling at the baby.

They were sitting around the bare wooden table with tea in front of them. For the second time that day Mary’s tea was untouched.

“Margaret, you have to take her away for at least one day so that we can prepare the kids,” Aiden said.

“Can you come and get her on Saturday?” Margaret asked.

“I’ll be over at cock crow,” Mary said, dragging her eyes away from Michelle’s face momentarily.

Mary’s brother-in-law, Brian was the only one in the family who had a car. This acquisition earned him the role as chauffeur for his extended family. When he dropped Mary at her house with Michelle, he didn’t go in for tea as usual.

Mary walked through the garden gate with a squirming human wrapped in a white woollen blanket. She clip clopped with her red high heeled shoes up the path that led to the front door where her children crowded around her. Their new sister had arrived. They had traces of white paint on their faces and hands and were dressed in their best clothes. Each child had a toy of their own that they had washed with great care as a welcome present for the new baby. Mary went into the living room to see the big present. It was a crib that Aiden and the kids had painted white that morning while Mary had gone to get the baby.

“Mammy, this was cousin Lorraine’s crib” Aishling declared.

“No it wasn’t.”

“Well, it said Lorraine on it before we painted it.”

“No keepin’ any secrets from you now, ye great little reader.” Aiden ruffled Aishling’s hair.

“I have to make the child a bottle before she starts fussin’.” Mary put the smiling baby in her new bed with four adoring children around her, telling her how much they loved her and how happy they were that she was their sister.

“Aiden, keep an eye on them, will ye?”

He nodded.

Mary swaggered away from the scene with her head high, her chest stuck out, sweeping an uneasy feeling under the carpet of her mind...

The following year, two days after Michelle’s first birthday, Carolyn was born. And over the next eight years, Mary gave birth to three more boys.


The dark stairs creaked as Aiden tiptoed down trying not to draw attention to himself. He was about to slip out the back door of the tenement house where his five sisters and four brothers were still sleeping.

“Aiden, eat your porridge before you go.” His mother ordered, barring his way.

“But I want to call for me friends before the coal man comes.”

“You don’t say “me friends”, you say “my friends.” Sarah O’Flaherty believed that even if she didn’t have the resources of her middleclass background, she could still pass on some of its cultivation.

“Okay, Mammy.” His bottom didn’t have time to heat the chair while gulped down his very watery breakfast. He dropped his spoon on the bare wooden table and ran through the door.

“What about your cuppa tea?” She called after him.

“Bye, Mammy.” He pretended not to hear as he dashed down the street. The damp air brushed against the exposed skin on his legs. It made his woollen jersey heavy against his shoulders and chest. The convent, the church and the pig farm were merely a dark blur as he raced to meet his conspirators.

The sky was turning orange behind the coal company when the three boys arrived.

“Hey, Starvation,”Jockser said. “How’s the skin an’ bones? A teacher had baptised Aiden with the name “Starvation”, so his friends called him nothing else.

“My skin an’ bones would beat you in a race any day.”

“We’ll see abou’ dat.” Jockser pushed Aiden gently.

“Enough of dat now.” Dyers Dorgan handed Jockser and Starvation their sacks. “This is great, lads. We’re the only ones here today.” They hopped around to keep warm. “The cold must be keepin’ the Mammy’s boys at home.”

“Or maybe they’re makin’ fancy Christmas decorations wit’ their sisters.” Jockser flapped his hands around and wiggled his bum.

The friends laughed and nudged each other playfully.

“How’s yer dog, Dyers?” Starvation mocked.

“Grand, not a bother.”

“What color is he these days?”

“Ah, he’s still black and tan, but I’ll be killed if I try to paint him again.” Dyers was so named because he attempted to change to color of his dog. The “black and tans” were mercenary British soldiers sent to Ireland on an emergency mission. They didn’t have proper uniforms, so they wore mismatched surplus ones. They made the colors very unpopular.

“Look! Here they come!”

The large gates opened and four horse drawn carts immerged filled with coal. There were three brown horses and a black one. The coalmen’s faces were already black. They wore dark coats and no hats.

“Let’s go.”

As the carts took off in different directions, so did the boys.

Aiden followed his favourite coalman, Paddy, who seemed to drive slower than the younger ones. When he stopped to deliver his coal to the residences of Ringsend, a lot of coal fell off his wagon, which Aiden scurried to pick up. Aiden noticed that Paddy didn’t avoid the bumps in the road as the other drivers did. So on the days he followed Paddy, Aiden’s sack was always full when he brought it home to his Mammy.

“Howaya, Aiden?” Paddy greeted him at Mr Brady’s shop as Aiden picked up a few pieces of coal off the cobblestones and quickly confined them to his sack.

“Hello Mr Paddy,” Aiden replied.

The baker’s van was there at the same time. The smell that hit Aiden when the doors opened made his flat stomach grumble. Aiden approached Paddy, who was feeding his horse with a few sugar lumps. “Can I help you today?” He patted the horse.

“Sure that’d be grand, you know me and me aul bones.” The first rays of the day illuminated the large man as he bent over to check one of the horse’s huge hair-covered hooves. Aiden marvelled at them.

He eagerly climbed up onto the heap of coal in the cart and began filling sacks at least twice his size. He watched in amazement as Paddy picked up the huge sacks, swung them effortlessly onto his back and brought them into Mr. Brady’s yard.

As he climbed back up into his driving position, Paddy asked, “D’ya want me to carry that for ya, lad?” Paddy pointed to the small sack of coal that would get heavier at each delivery. Soon Aiden would struggle to keep up, but he would never give up.

“That would be great, Mr Paddy.” He handed over his loot.

Paddy flicked the horse’s reins. Aiden followed the clip clop sound around Paddy’s route, along the streets of Ringsend. The rows of identical houses seemed to peer out at him in the early morning light. Paddy wasn’t allowed to take anyone on his cart and these houses seemed hungry to snitch.

Paddy stopped the cart outside the coal company and dismounted. The magic of the dawn was gone by now and the dirty of the streets of working class Dublin were coming to life.

“Aiden, thanks very much for your help t’day.” Paddy shook the boy’s tiny but strong hand.

He handed Aiden the sack of coal he had gathered. He also gave him a batch loaf that he had bought in Brady’s shop to reward Aiden efforts. As Aiden tucked it under his arm, he noticed it was still warm.

“Thanks very much, Mr Paddy. Thanks very much.” Aiden was still panting from his run.

The child nodded happily not knowing what more he could do to show his enormous gratitude. He stared intently into Paddy’s startling blue eyes which were made more brilliant by the coal dust on his face. The sight of this great man made the small boy’s heart quiver.

“Ná habar é, a buachail, ná habar é”(don’t mention it). Paddy’s eyes were glistening. Aiden wondered why he would be crying? Could he be mistaken?

“Now go home to your Mammy and don’t be late for school. You have to learn and do good and not end up a coalman. Now off ye go!”

“Goodbye, Mr Paddy.”

“Goodbye, son.”

The streets were now cluttered with prams and people. A mammy was spitting on a handkerchief and rubbing dirt off a child’s cheek. A granny was at her door step with rollers in her hair, taking in two bottles of milk. Two nuns were rushing by with a box of vegetables each. Aiden weaved through the human obstacle course.

“Mammy, Mammy. Look what I got!” She carefully took the bread from her son and delicately placed it in the center of the table.

“Aiden, you’re the greatest seven year old in the whole of Dublin.” She wrapped him in her arms.

“Wait a minute.” She gently moved him away. “Is that a sack of coal over there?”

“Yeah, Mammy and it’s full to the top” Aiden announced.

“You are not the greatest seven year old in the whole of Dublin, nor the whole of Ireland.”

Although he knew exactly what she was going to say, he anticipated it with an excitement that made him bounce on his heels.

“You are most definitely the greatest seven year old boy in the whole entire world.”

As she hugged him again, he felt like a crowded Croach Park stadium had just thunderously applauded him. She had bestowed on him a crown of glory that only the most beautiful and wonderful queen could do, making him a prince of her heart.

He set off to school, leaving her bent over a blazing fire, with the new baby by her side.

“How did you do?” he asked Dyers at the school gates.

“Grand. Me sack was almost full.”

“What about you, Jockser?”

“Mine was abou’ half full but I got a bi’a chocolate”

“Aw, ya lucky thing” Dyers patted Jocker’s back. “Wha’ abou’ you, Starvation?”

“I got some bread for me Mammy.”

It was only then that Aiden realised that he had forgotten to get a piece of bread before he left.

“We doin’ it again tomorra?”

“A’course we are.” Dyers had his arms around his two friends’ necks.

“Sure, aren’t we the three musketeers?”

Time Travel

I know what it feels like to have you touch my hair,

To caress my cheek, to hold me near.

I know how your body feels,

I know its strength and its softness.

I even know the dance our love makes,

I know its rhythm and its sounds

I know the song of our breaths mirroring the song of our hearts.

I know the beauty of morning, awakening by your side.

But when did this all happen?

Is it only in my mind?


In the river of life I swim

Against the current,

I swim with the current.

I lie on my back and allow the river to take me.

I enjoy the sun on my body and the sparkles all around.

I am taken by the spiral,

Down into the belly of the river,

I lose myself.

I am shaken, I am broken, I die.

Then I am spit out by her and I’m bobbing around,

Trying to decide,

Whether or not to swim against the tide.